15th Edition

Apologies for this issue being a tad overdue, but surely you'll identify with being busy out enjoying the nice spring and summer weather!  (OK that's not the real reason, but it's what I'm using)  If you're sick of the World Cup already...  better find something else to read besides this football-ised edition of FW!  

BabyGirl (Editor)


  • NEWS

    Ronan, Muggins, Hatfield & MindFlayer 



    The biggest change in TerraFirmA since issue 14 has been the installation and ongoing improvements to the MAJICK system. Typing INFO MAJICK on the game will give you an explanation and list other help files you can read. More upgrades, changes and additions to majick are being made and should show up soon. Majick adds an entirely new dimension to exploring, combat and questing at TF, so take advantage!

    In addition to numerous bug fixes and small changes all over the place, some new features have been or will soon be added to the game. There's the HIRE command, which allows you to hire mobile mercenaries to aid you in your adventuring (read HELP HIRE). The CONCLAVE will soon be reorganized into new levels: MAGE / LUMINARY / SORCEROR / HONORARY & APPRENTICE. Also coming soon is a task feature, where players can read about requested tasks on a board in the tavern and then finish those tasks to earn credit! As always, you can keep up to date on new features by reading INFO NEWSTUFF or INFO WORKDONE.


    There are now several new counsels at TF: congrats to Cub, Ted, Etrimon and Flea for recently joining the ranks of the Clave. Congratulations also to those promoted to higher levels in both the Clave and Court. In COUPLES news, Gimbal and Flea recently announced their MUD engagement, congrats!

    A bunch of players got together in Reading, UK for a MUD meet in March, you can read about it below! Also, view some piccies of the group at the Meet Photos page at the Web site (

    Lucas is planning a Terra Meet BBQ for THIS SATURDAY (June 27 1998) in Oxford. For more information check out the news section at the Web site ( or mail or talk to Lucas on the game and he'll give you directions. Lucas has enthusiastically stated: "Bring a friend if you want. Especially if they are female!"


    An "alternative" TerraFirmA Web site is being set up at (NOTE: 20 MAY 1999, address of alternate site has changed to: This address is where you should go in the case (as last month) that the game and/or its Web site are down and unavailable.  When this happens, the most current news will be posted through this site in an attempt to keep you updated.

    At the TF site, there are several new photos in the meet/photos area, so have a look! Some new links to players and Untouchables pages have also gone up recently in the meet area (SickBoy, MindFlayer, Flea, Ted, Gumby, Robert, Qwerty). Players take note that if you are level 11 or above, you can get your own web page at TerraFirmA! Just mail or talk to BabyGirl about it. Also don't forget that we're more than happy to put a link on our "meet the players" page to your own personal home page elsewhere.

    Back To Contents  


      This is part three of a three-part story which began in issue 13.
    (For a copy of the past two issues, go to the FreeWheeling main page at )

         "I'm running," Blake murmured to himself as he headed south from Hamelin along a cobbled road, "What was she running from?" He did at least get the information from the Bard, just like she had described. He was heading in the right direction, but his mind drifted back to the events at the bar.

         Blake was going over those few moments in the Taverne again and again in his head. The glimmer in their eyes, the old and brutal weapons, the outdated body armour and, most unusual of all, the spittoon. This has got to be a dream or I was brought here by someone, thought Blake. It was, Blake knew, too real to be a dream, although some of the stronger more illegal drugs might have this effect! As for being brought here, well that was possible if he was knocked out after having hit the Stone. He did after all feel quite faint and sick during that time. Perhaps Chuck snapped and hit him over the head or shot him up with some strong drugs, like Alice or straight liquid Shitkickers. But why would Chuck do any of those things?

         Blake was a smart man. He had attended two universities and spent many years on research teams. His physical appearance was not overbearing but he was well-conditioned and not unfamiliar with hard work. Bright as he may have been, he could not yet explain anything since being on the metal wreckage. And his good health was probably the next to be tasked, because Blake knew what farm work was like.

         The cobbled road ran through large grazing pastures and meadows with thick vegetation. The continuous fence that bordered the fields was broken only by two gates. Further down, the road became more dusty and in the distance a farm silo came into view. After another hour's travel a gate marked the end of this road.

         Past the farm's main gate Blake noticed a small pool of dark liquid trickling off into a ditch. He made note of it, but didn't pursue it. A few more paces and he arrived at the farmyard. Here was a nice two-story house. It looked weathered but still stood strong. Numerous repairs to the siding and roof were visible. Also noticeable from here was a barn, a garage, a milking shed and beyond these some vegetable fields. It seemed to Blake that there was some need for a helping hand here.

         Blake knocked on the door. After a few moments a tired-looking man answered.

         "Yes, can I help ya?" began the farmer.

         "I was told you might have need for a hired hand," said Blake.

         "Well, yeah, I reckon I could use another worker round here," answered the farmer.

         "I don't have a place to stay yet, no money either, so I guess I will be working for food and a bed too. My name is Blake Dreger, pleased to meet you," Blake held out his hand.

         Returning the handshake the farmer said," Well Blake ya can call me Gil, my wife is Em. Come on in meal's almost ready."

         Blake stepped into the comforting home. They went into the living room, sat down and began to chat. Gil explained about how far behind he was due to some tractor breakdowns he'd been having of late. Blake once again was curious about the odd mix of technologies in this land. The farmer continued on, saying how he lost his last bit of petrol last night in the dark and had also misplaced a recently purchased sparkplug. Since then, most of the work had to be done by hand. Of course Danny Boy, the farm workhorse, provided some labour but it was not enough. Another trip to Hamelin for Gil would have to wait until he could get more produce ready for the markets.

         Blake listened more than talked but he did explain that he had not planned on coming to this part of the world. That he was apparently brought here by a series of inexplicable circumstances. And most importantly he mentioned that he was looking for a way to return from where he came. The farmer knew nothing of these things and could only offer his sympathies. Gil did mention that there was far more to this land then he ever could hope to see. At the markets there would often be mysterious travellers looking over the items for sale. They would be adorned with all manner of dress. Some with great suits of armour engraved in gold and silver, some with mystic robes flowing in the breeze, others had simpler attire offset by many pieces of glittering jewelry. These hardy explorers carried swords sharp as razors, daggers with blades cold as ice, great axes, warhammers and heavy shovels with shards of the last victim still clinging to them. The more arcane of these visitors wielded staves encrypted with runes, short wands and long rods of metal topped with glimmering gemstones exuding powerful energies. They would not talk to many locals, preferring to socialise among themselves. When two or more met there would be a flurry of words and gestures then they would rush off about their business. From what Gil overheard, there were fantastic creatures of wild beauty, hordes of treasures, and places holding unfathomable secrets to be found.

         The conversation ended when Em came to announce that supper was served. Blake realised upon seeing the incredible meal laid out on the dining room table just how hungry he truly was at this point. He had lost track of time. During his time in Hamelin and the on the trip here he never paid any attention to his digestive state. But now he was hungry.

         They had a quiet supper. Blake guessed that it was traditional to eat at he dining room table rather then talk here. And this suited him fine. Happily he ate his fill of the delectable foods in silence.

         Blake helped to clear the table and clean up the cutlery. The farmer then showed him around the house finally stopping at the room Blake would call home for the next few days. Gil explained that when the sun rose the work would start, then bid him goodnight.

         He washed up, stripped down and crawled under the hand-made blankets. No sooner had he laid down than the sandman arrived, and Blake fell fast asleep.

         The morning sun was accompanied by the sound of roosters and the smell of breakfast. Another hearty meal was eaten and soon the farm was alive as the daily chores began. Eggs were gathered, animals were fed, cows were milked and stalls were cleaned of dirty hay and manure. The watering holes were checked, the windmill inspected and several other little jobs were completed before Gil and Blake headed out into the fields. Among the rows of vegetables the two worked the ground removing any weeds. Any rocks or other foreign items were piled at the end of the long lines of plants. And the did find the occasional rock and dirt covered metal bit. Lunch was brought out by Em and she stayed to share the food and light conversation afterwards. The hours under the warm afternoon sun were spent checking the fencelines and ploughing new areas for planting. Shortly before sunset they returned to secure the farmyard.

         This pattern was repeated daily. It was not boring however, at least not to Blake. He enjoyed the fresh air, the superb meals and the friendly company. Two weeks had passed this way.

         The night before Blake was to leave, something very strange occurred. He was lying in bed when a few things came together in his head. He recalled the farmer talking about the tractor and a sparkplug. There was the work in the fields and the little trail of dark fluid draining into the ditch. And something inside him clicked. He got up out of bed and threw on his clothes. Slipping out, he made sure not to rouse Gil or Em. He silently left the house and headed north to the main gate. There he found a small container in the ditch. It reeked of fuel and was half buried in weeds and brush. From there he sped off to the fields. A few moments spent there and he returned to the garage where the idle tractor was kept.

         This was the first time he'd seen the tractor. It never was an issue for him before as he simply took the farmer's word that it would be fixed at a later date. But the work in the fields was slower for the poor farmer. There seemed to be some pressing urgency now welling inside Blake that he could not explain, a sudden wash of compulsion to get this machine working again. He peered into the engine compartment. There was in fact a sparkplug missing. He cleaned off the one he'd found earlier in the evening and screwed it into place. After putting the boot back over the plug he closed the hood. He filled the gas tank with the fuel he'd salvaged from the ditch. Hopping up into the cab he crossed his fingers in hope.

         Examining the dashpanel he found what he thought was the starter. With anticipation he pressed it, and to his great delight, after a couple of sputters, the engine turned over and the tractor was working once more.

         A sudden blurring of his vision caused him to sway left. Then the room began to spin. He fell from the cab, landing at someone's feet. A couple of seconds later he regained his senses.

         "Need a hand?" said the farmer extending one hand to help Blake up.

         "Thanks, I don't know what happened there. I got really dizzy. But she works! It all came to me out of the blue. It was strange, but we've got ourselves a tractor now," Blake said happily.

         "Well I do thank you for the repairing of my tractor but it's time you be moving on. Em and I can manage from here and you still need to pursue your own path," said Gil presenting Blake with a small bag of credits.

         He took the bag. He was not quite ready to leave the farm but it was true, he had to move on otherwise he'd probably end up staying for a much longer time.

         After gathering his few possessions he once again thanked the farmer and his wife. Then headed back to Hamelin and that money hungry Bard.

         It was dark before he arrived at the Towne Square but there was still activity here. The street dealers and entertainers were moving about the crowds. Some tents remained with the peddlers pushing more goods. There was a group of four locals singing and sauntering as they held up mugs.

         It was here amongst the nightlife of the Square that a most significant event began to unfold.

         Blake had just arrived at the Hamelin and Water Streete junction when a man in a long dark coat ran in from the east. This was one of the Adventurers, apparent from the fiery red sword he carried. Under the coat was a suit of scalemail. Thick leather leggings protected his legs and a pair of sandals guarded his feet. But it was the eyes most of all that gave it away. His eyes held that hint of whiteness.

         The traveller spotted Blake and rushed up to him.

         Looking carefully into Blake's eyes he asked, "Have you seen Septum come this way?"

         "Umm , I. . . no I didn't, I don't know who Septum is," stammered Blake.

         "Ok tell him I will be at the NorthWest if you see him, oh and congratulations!" said the stranger grasping Blake hand in a firm handshake.

         "What? I don't..." Blake started but never got to finish as the robed man bolted north. But Blake wasted no time, and started after the runner.

         It was only a short chase as the prey ducked into the Turfe Taverne. Blake followed just in time to see the man leap towards the far left corner of the room. But he never made it to the wall. There was flash of light and a gaping hole opened in the ceiling just above the adventurer. A whirlwind of sparkling miniature lights dropped around the man in mid flight. The vortex pulled him straight up and out of sight. Then as fast as it appeared, the hole was gone.

         Blake dropped into the nearest chair. His jaw went slack and eyes stared blankly at the now normal-looking corner of the tavern.

      The woman seated next to Blake stood up. She looked down at him with eyes of shiny silver. Stunned, Blake didn't move as she handed him a single red rose.

         "Didn't know you could go up, did you?" she remarked in a soft voice. Then without warning sped to the corner, reached her arms up and disintegrated in the lightshow that followed.

         Blake was left sitting with but a single red rose in his inventory.

    Want to write a Terra Tale for inclusion in FW? Contact one of the editors! (

      Back To Contents


    by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)

    My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said,"is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. " Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion ."

    I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'.

    "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.

    Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift.

    Back To Contents


    By MindFlayer


    It was pretty weird starting to write this article. I remembered all the assignments I had to write, and the way I had to write them. I was going to start off with "This paper discusses...".

    This article talks about the Terra meet on Saturday 14 March 1998 in Reading.

    This is my first ever article written for anyone, so here goes...


    I got up on Saturday morning feeling older. It was my 22nd Birthday and today was my first ever Terra meet.

    I've been to a Internet meet before. My last meet was a bit of a disaster. The only "interesting" conversation was someone saying, "It's a nice day outside, isn't it?" and that was it.

    The people I was going to meet from TerraFirmA were people I speak to on a regular basis.

    This was nerve racking. You are going to meet the people who you sometimes speak private "stuff" with, people who believe you are twisted and the people who see you pose everyday!

    It wasn't a good day to start with. I got to Paddington Station and had to run to the train which was leaving for Reading. I got to the train. At that moment the driver shut the door and hit the gas. The train went, leaving me on the platform.

    So, back to the departure concourse and waited. I got on the next train and went throught the first class carriage (posh chairs), second (comfy ones), third (wooden ones) and the standard one, where we all had to sit on the floor. Joke.

    Anyway, I finally got to Reading at about 0955am and went outside the Pizza Hut restaurant where I saw Arwen (Flea). I recognised her straight away. It wasn't that difficult. She wore what she said she was going to wear, dungarees and a baseball cap.

    All I had to do is go up to her and introduce myself. Easy? Nope. So I walked around Reading Station for a while, and finally decided to go and introduce myself.

    I went up to her and asked, "Hi, are you Flea?" I'm sure people around us gave me funny looks. I mean, if you heard someone asking someone else if they are Flea, you'd think "WHAT????"

    Come to think of it, it sounds like an undercover operation. You know, in the movies, some bloke, dresses up like the mafia, walks round a bit, goes into the opticians and says, "Pssst, have you got contacts?"


    After both of us introduced ourselves we talked a bit. Flea said how nerve-racking this was. I thought, "YES! I'm not the only one." Carrie was the next person to pop up, followed by Hawk with TheCat, Elthy and Emily. We all talked about a bit, and a few more people popped up.

    One point here. Never, I mean NEVER try to be funny with anyone you are going to meet up with. It all comes back to you. I was chatting there when someone declared, "You are a POSER". An undeserved title I think. *grin*

    Second point, never, I mean NEVER arrest someone on the game if you are going to meet up with them. *grin*

    It wasn't that bad. It was certainly weird. People you talk to by computer are actually standing there in front of you. WEIRD!

    Two more people turned up, Cub and one TV superstar who I thought I was not going to meet, Lucas. Lucas said the immortal word, "Pub?" and we all went for a long, painful, strength-zapping journey (well, just outside the Station) to the Pub.

    I finally met up with my twisted friend, Bingo, whom I chatted with for quite a while. It was fun. Weird, but fun. More people turned up. This is where I apologise to anyone whose name I forgotten. There were many people, I can't remember who was there!

    Ted made a quick visit. It was a hi and bye thing. A few minutes later, she was back!

    The usual stuff at Internet Meets happened. You know the things, talking about the game, talking about people on the game, PHOTOS. We stayed at the pub all day. The time did go fast. Soon it was 3pm and some people left.

    Anyway, I decided to go at 6pm. Hugged a few people and left. I don't know what happened after I left, but rumours say that the meet went on for another day.


    I think everyone enjoyed themselves. It wasn't a total silence meet, where noone knew what to say to each other.

    Now the burning question, would I go to another meet? Who knows. There are people who I'd like to meet (they know who they are). If I get to meet them, then YES!, if not, Oh well...

    Everyone did talk at this meet. Of course, not everyone talked to everyone on the meet, but hey, there is always a next time.

    Sameer Jamal.
    Saturday 21 March 1998> 1722.00
    Back To Contents


    A Guide for Referees--From The Players And Coaches ( we already know the rules )

       1. Law I - The Field of Play

              The field shall be in perfect condition. If it is not in perfect
              condition, it is the referee's fault, and the referee must repair any
              imperfections immediately. The referee shall tell the league that
              the field was not perfect, and the league will make the community
              Parks and Recreation Department fix the field immediately.

       2. Law II - The Ball

              Our team gets to kick around the game ball before the game. Our
              goalie has the right to veto any choice of the game ball. If our team
              doesn't approve of the amount of air in the game ball, then we may
              force the referee to change the ball whenever we feel like it.

       3. Law III - Number of Players

              The coach can submit a list to the referee whenever he feels like it.
              When we want to substitute, all substitutes shall run on the field
              immediately when the referee indicates that a substitution will be

       4. Law IV - Players Equipment

              If our goalie isn't wearing colours which distinguish himself from
              us, then it doesn't matter, and the referee is being officious if he
              asks him to change. The other goalie must wear the colour of our
              team. The referee shall check the other team's equipment before the

              If the referee in the last game said it was OK, then you (today's
              referee) must also allow it.

              A team must use at least three different colours of socks.

              Under no circumstances may a team tuck their jerseys in.

       5. Law V - Referee

              If a referee observes more than 2/3 of the spectators in an uproar
              over his last call he/she must immediately stop play and submit to an
              eye exam. If, after the exam has occurred, it is deemed that the
              referee does indeed require spectacles, it is the visiting team's
              responsibility to provide a proper pair. Punishment for the second
              occurence shall be a warning of bodily harm by a designated spectator
              whose name shall be submitted prior to the match (no substitutions
              shall be allowed.)

              Upon the third occurence the referee shall be staked at midfield and
              secured with a tether not to exceed six feet in length (before
              stretching) but which must be at least two feet in length, and the
              spectators shall be awarded five minutes to discipline the referee as
              they see fit, provided there are a minimum of two spectators
              providing discipline at the same time. If the level falls below two
              spectators at any time while the referee is still breathing, then the
              referee shall be released and play will resume.

       6. Law VI - Linesman

              If the referee makes a decision we don't like, then the linesman has
              the power to reverse the referee's decision. If our desparate appeals
              to the referee get us nothing, then it shall be appropriate to yell
              at the linesman, becasue the linesman can't caution us.

              When the other team is offsides, our defender will raise one arm, and
              then the linesman shall put his flag up. Club linesmen shall be
              permitted to yell at the players from the other team, and it shall be
              taken personally if the referee reverses the decision of a club

       7. Law VII - Duration of the Game

              If ninety minutes have elapsed and we are leading, then the
              game shall terminate immediately. Our coach's watch shall keep the
              official time for the game. If the coach does not approve of the
              amount of time being added on to the half, then he shall complain to
              the linesman nearest him, who shall force the referee to end the half

       8. Law VIII - Start of Play

              The captains shall conduct a coin toss. The captains shall be immune
              from being punished for dissent for the duration of the game. During
              a drop ball, the ball need not hit the ground before it is played,
              unless the referee decides, for some reason, to stop play and drop it

       9. Law IX - Ball In and Out of Play

              The coach is permitted to stand on the touch line, regardless of
              whether the linesman's view of the line is obstructed.

      10. Law X - Method of Scoring

              A goal is scored if the majority of the ball crosses the line.

      11. Law XI - Offsides

              If the linesman flags us for offsides then we shall be permitted to
              yell "It's when the ball is played!" at the linesman. If we fail to
              properly execute an offsides trap, then we will forget that offsides
              is judged when the ball is played, and the ensuing goal shall be the
              fault of the linesman.

              Any attacker who is unmarked is, by definition, to be declared

      12. Law XII - Fouls and Misconduct

              If the ball comes in contact with the hand or arm of an opponent in
              his penalty area, a penalty kick shall be awarded.

              No matter how far I kick the ball away, I can't be cautioned for
              delay of game if the ball is still on the field when I kick it.

              A player should not be sent off for intentional hand ball if he was
              only trying to stop a goal.

              It is dangerous play for my opponents to play the ball while they are
              lying on the ground. My team's position has no effect on this ruling.

              If the player's shoe came off on the shot, then the goal should be
              disallowed for dangerous play.

              A spectator with a dog on a leash must stay at least one yard from
              the touch line; however the dog, since it was unable to understand
              soccer rules, may enter the field of play.

              When a goalkeeper catches the ball, any nearby attacker shall run up
              to the goalkeeper and stand directly in front of him, within one yard
              of him, and shall stare at him.

              Any ball which last touched a defender before going to the goalkeeper
              shall be considered a back pass and penalised with an IFK.

              A goalkeeper who traps the ball with his feet may only take four
              steps while dribbling the ball.

              No foul shall be called if a player gets the ball.

              Any player who raises his foot above knee height is guilty of "high

              A player may not move if he is standing in front of the goalkeeper.

      13. Law XIII - Free Kicks

              If we do not agree that the opposing team is 10 yards away, then we
              shall inform the referee, and he will move them back even more. We
              shall be permitted to delay the taking of a free kick until we are
              ready for it. If we take a quick free kick, and we lose possession to
              an opponent who was within 10 yards, then play shall be stopped and
              we shall take the kick over again.

              A defender need not yield 10 yards during a corner kick if a
              colleague of the player taking the kick goes over to assist with a
              short corner.

              A defender shall be allowed to kick the ball away if he feels that he
              needs more time to set up for an attacker's kick.

      14. Law XIV - Penalty Kick

              It was probably a bad call anyway.

      15. Law XV - Throw In

              In youth games, the referee shall penalise every foul throw,
              regardless of whether it will result in most of the time being spent
              taking throw-ins.

      16. Law XVI - Goal Kick

              The defending team can play the ball after it has travelled 10 yards.
              The attacking team must wait for the ball to leave the penalty area
              before playing it.

      17. Law XVII - Corner Kick

              If the ball, after being kicked, travels less than its circumference
              before crossing over the goal line, it shall be deemed to have never
              "come in" and the kick shall be retaken.

         The Fourth Official .

         The fourth official shall assist us in yelling "ref" when we want a

         The Technical Area .

         The technical area shall be marked in such a way as to allow our coach to
         follow play up and down the field.

    Back To Contents


    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you... cry and you must support Doncaster.

         Q: What have David James and Michael Jackson got in common?
         A: They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

         Q: Why do women like Newcastle United?
         A: They stay on top for ages, and always come second.

         Q: What's the difference between Bristol Rovers and a triangle?
         A: A triangle has three points.

         Q: What's the difference between Ian Walker and a taxi driver?
         A: A taxi driver only lets in four at a time.

         Q: What do Stan Collymore and a jigsaw puzzle have in common?
         A: They both go to pieces in the box.

         Q: Name three English clubs with swear-words in their names.
         A: Scunthorpe, Arsenal, and Manchester F*****g United.

         Q: What have Manchester United and a 3-pin plug got in common?
         A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.

    Back To Contents


    From THE LATE SHOW with David Letterman come these... interesting suggestions regarding soccer.

    Top Ten Fun Things To Yell After a Soccer Goal

    1. Menudo!
    2. Egg salad sandwich!
    3. I love you Pauly Shore!
    4. Ibuprofen!
    5. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
    6. Baio!
    7. This joke is getting old!
    9. O.J. did it!
    10. Goal!
    Top Ten Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans
    1. Foreign countries play for the right to nuke each other.
    2. Every five seconds, goal or no goal, have that nutty Spanish guy scream, "Goooooaaaallll!"
    3. Use clever ad slogans like, "Soccer--You'll Get a Kick Out of It!"
    4. Stop bein' a bunch of old ladies and let 'em use their hands, for God's sake.
    5. Add four bases, a ball and a bat like a real damn sport!
    6. Get all them damn foreigners off the field.
    7. How 'bout some cars gettin' smashed up real good?
    8. Lewinsky!
    9. Replace ref with Jerry Springer and let the fun begin.
    10. Less corner kicking, more coach-kicking.

    Top Ten U.S. Soccer Team Excuses
    1. Got a hold of some bad World Cup chowder
    2. Kept getting heckled by Spike Lee
    3. Brazilians released horrible stinging bugs from the rain forest
    4. Really sleepy from stuff in "Good Luck" gift basket sent by Dwight Gooden
    5. Remembered we're Americans and that it's OK to suck at soccer if you're American
    6. Afraid if we beat Brazil, Brazilians would get depressed, not work as hard, and coffee prices would go up
    7. Us: Players named Jim. Them: Players named Pablo. You figure it out, Sherlock.
    8. Who can think about a dumb game when Sirajul and Mujibur are going coast-to-coast?
    9. Goalie distracted when he saw his wife sitting with Bob Barker
    10. Everywhere we looked -- Brazilians!

    Top Ten Ways to Make World Cup Soccer More Exciting
    1. Let 'em use their damn hands!
    2. Replace ball with round piñata filled with killer bees.
    3. Put one of them speedin' buses on the field.
    4. Give one guy on each team a powerful jet pack.
    5. Have Madonna inflate the ball.
    6. Three words: Naked penalty kicks.
    7. Instead of 22 players, one ball, one player and 22 woodchucks.
    8. Make nets out of sexy black lingerie from Victoria's Secret
    9. Score a goal, do a shot.
    10. Losing team executed on "Donahue"
    Back To Contents


    Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough.
    "If teams could transfer fans, how much would you be worth?" Here's one American soccer fan's take on English football. Just who will win the coveted cup?  
    It's a collection of stories. The stories are strange. And they're all about soccer.  
    Yahoo's Football pages and links: Team News, Chat and Message Boards, Trivia, and more. (Also try Yahoo World Cup ).  
    A Half-Decent Web Site! On-line shopping and subscriptions, Football Humour ranging from "Pele's Poetry" to the "Famous Player Alert!", and, of course, an entire section devoted to World Cup Stuff!  
    "A superb collection of British Soccer's most outrageous fanzines" . . .  And don't forget to check out the groovy midi on their main page!  

    Back To Contents

    Well hopefully that wasn't too much football/soccer for you to absorb ;-)   When's the next issue out?  It's a mystery to me!  No, but seriously... look for the next edition of FreeWheeling hopefully sometime around September or early October.  Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your summer!!

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