It's that age-old question we all seek the answer to:
WHY DID THE SQUIRREL JUMP THE ELECTRIC-POLE TRANSFORMER?
- Any Philosphy 101 Professor
- Why not?
- It is the essence of squirrels to jump the electrical-pole
To actualize its potential.
- Ayn Rand
- It was jumping the electrical-pole transformer because of its own
rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious;
desires are unique to each individual.
- It had a cunning plan.
- Basil Fawlty
- Oh, don't mind that squirrel. It's from Barcelona.
- Alastair Cooke
- Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.Tonight, we present
the epic British drama "How The Squirrel Went," based on the 1843
novel by Herbert T. Rodentia, and adapted for the screen by Joanna
Pecan-Smythe. Starring Susan Hampshire as the Squirrel, and Anthony
Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant hunter, Borstrom, this elegant
period piece explores the mores and morality of a society in which
ordinary squirrels had to face their destiny of jumping the
electrical-pole transformer to meet their fate at the hands of the
monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...
- Albert Einstein
- Whether the squirrel jumped the electrical-pole transformer or the
electrical-pole transformer jumped the squirrel depends upon the
frame of reference of the observer.
- Anthony Trollope
- Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course.
- Ben Bova
- To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved
for all of time.
- Bill Gates
- For the money.
- Bob Dylan
- How many electrical-pole transformers must one squirrel jump?
- Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!
- To ask this question denies your own squirrel nature.
- B.F. Skinner
- Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from
birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to
jump electrical-pole transformers, even while believing these actions
to be of its own free will.
- I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of
bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!
- Julius Caesar
- It came, it saw, it jumped.
- Camille Paglia
- It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which
men can never understand, to jump the electrical-pole transformer and
focus itself on its task. Female squirrels are not capable of doing
this-their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to
pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following
Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....
- To boldly go where no squirrel has gone before.
- To see what's out there.
- Carl Jung
- The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual squirrels jump electrical-pole transformers at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.
- Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right
to jump the electrical-pole transformer and seek its own spiritual
- Colonel Kilgore
- I love the smell of squirrels in the morning.
- It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran,
Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!
- Noam Chomsky
- To manufacture consent
- Commander Data
- I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data
points relating to squirrels and electrical-pole transformers, there
is no positive correlation between the two.
- When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court
officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a squirrel may jump
any electrical-pole transformer in the kingdom safely.
- Darth Vader
- Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
- David Hume
- Out of custom and habit.
- To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin
I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...
- Dorothy Parker
- Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The squirrel
never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.
- Doug Hofstadter
- To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and
essence through the mapping of the external electrical-pole
transformer-object onto the internal electrical-pole
- Douglas Adams
- If there's nothing wrong with the squirrel, there must be something
wrong with the universe.
- Jack Van Impe
- Well you see, here's the really exciting part, if we were to look at
Revelation 17:3 we will see that the Whore of Babylon rides on a
scarlet beast. A scarlet beast! What this means is a Rhode Island Red.
And the truly glorious thing is that this beast, this Rhode Island
Red, this Squirrel has jumped the electrical-pole transformer EXACTLY
as was prophesized in the Bible and this is all a sign, Revelation
17:3, that we're living in the End Time. Hallelujah! And if you would
like more information on the significance of this squirrel jumping the
electrical-pole transformer as all part of God's great plan then send
me $50 and you will recieve this set of video tapes along with a copy
of my recent book "Squirrels: rodent or rabid beast?".
- Because it could not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the
electrical-pole transformer-side gap.
- Dylan Thomas
- To not go gentle into that good night.
- Emily Dickinson
- Because it could not stop for death.
- For fun.
- Ernest Hemingway
- To die. In the rain.
- E.E. (Doc) Smith
- Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event
that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the
squirrel, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in
the rodent world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the
electrical-pole transformer for Civilization.
- Foghorn Leghorn
- To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!
- Franz Kafka
- Deiter, now in the form of a squirrel, was running from the
government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death,
slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Deiter was alone. He was
running for his life, his insignificant life.
- Friederich Nietzsche
- There was no squirrel, no electrical-pole transformer, no jumping.
There was only an interpretation.
- O squirrel, do not meddle in the affairs of electrical-pole
transformers, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.
- Gary Gygax
- Because I rolled a 64 on the "Squirrel Random Behaviors" chart on page
497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.
- George Lucas
- Because the Force was with it.
- George Orwell
- Because Big Brother was watching to make sure that it did jump the
electrical-pole transformer, although in its heart, the squirrel never
- Geraldo Rivera
- Stay tuned as a panel of squirrels reveals the shocking truth.
- The traffic started getting rough; the squirrel had to jump. If not
for the plumage of its peerless tail the squirrel would be lost. The
squirrel would be lost!
- Gloria Steinem
- She was a victim of the male conspiracy.
- Gottfried Von Leibniz
- In this best possible world, the electrical-pole transformer was made
for it to jump.
- Groucho Marx
- This morning I shot a squirrel in my pyjamas --and lemme tell ya, that
squirrel ran out of my pyjamas in a second!
- Gul Dukat
- Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out
some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to
- Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of
outrageous electrical-pole transformer maintenance than to take arms
against a sea of oncoming vehicles.
- Hunter S. Thompson
- Why the &*%$#@ not?
- H.P. Lovecraft
- To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then
pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
- Immanuel Kant
- Because it was a duty.
- Jack Nicholson
- Because it <bleep>-ing wanted to. That's the <bleep>-ing reason.
- Jacques Derrida
- The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one
logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.
How do we get the idea of the squirrel in the first place? Does it
exist outside of language?
- James Joyce
- To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its
- Jane Austen
- Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single squirrel,
being posessed of a good fortune and presented with a good
electrical-pole transformer, must be desirous of jumping.
- Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and
it probably misses its dog.
- Dr. Suess
- Across the pole I will not scram / Even though a rodent I am.
Please dear squirrel give it a try / For across the pole you can not
Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try / For it is true, squirrels can't
fly. / Hey! It's not bad, infact it's droll! / I truly love to jump the
pole. / Across the pole I LOVE to scram. / I jump the pole, a rodent I am.
- To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.
- The squirrel chose to jump the electrical-pole transformer in this
decade not because it was easy, but because it was hard.
- Jim Gillis
- The squirrel jumped the electrical-pole transformer to show the
gophers it could be done.
- Johann Friedrich von Goethe
- The eternal squirrel-principle made it do it.
- John Cleese
- Because it was very silly.
- John Constantine
- Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the
electrical-pole transformer and figured it'd better get out right
- John Le Carre
- Because it knew, at the core of its being where none could ever reach,
that its only course of action now that its cover was blown wide open
was to try and slip away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before
Smiley came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking
questions for which there could never be answers.
- John Milton
- To justify the ways of God to men.
- Jerry Seinfeld
- Squirrel? What's up with that? I had an uncle who
thought he was a squirrel. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed
- John Steinbeck
- The electrical-pole transformer baked in the relentless summer sun as
the squirrel, looking about, began to jump. It stopped ocassionally
to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the
cracked macadam. The squirrel reached the other side, then began
making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July
afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and
how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.
- John Sununu
- The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so
quite understandably the squirrel availed himself of the opportunity.
- Joseph Campbell
- In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples of the squirrel
motif that cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am
reminded of an old Navajo legend in which a buffalo jumps a stream to
"come" to the other side --an obvious negative language devised to
prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the
Hindus believe in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on
Thursdays. Through metaphorical interpretation, we are led to realize
that all examples suggest an attainable higher state of consciousness
like that of Nietzsche's ubermench, or superman, as outlined in his
novel "Thus Spoke Zarathustra."
- Joseph Stalin
- It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the squirrels out and shoot
them. At Once!
- Karl Marx
- To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
- With my last breath I spit at the squirrel...
- It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.
- Lao Tse
- Those who chitter do not know. Those who know do not chitter.
- Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a squirrel? He's into that
kind of thing, you know.
- Lee Iacocca
- It found a better car, which was on the other side of the
- Lucien Bouchard
- So that it could be SEPARATE!
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
- The possibility of "jumping" was encoded into the objects "squirrel"
and "electrical-pole transformer", and circumstances came into being
which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
- Lyndon LaRouche
- She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy.
- So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a squirrel which
has the daring and courage to boldly jump the electrical-pole
transformer, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength
to contend with such a paragon of rodent virtue? In such a manner is
the princely squirrel's dominion maintained.
- Mae West
- I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
- Jumping the electrical-pole transformer does not make a squirrel
- Margaret Thatcher
- There was no alternative.
- Mark Twain
- The news of its jumping has been greatly exaggerated.
- Marshall McLuhan
- The Electrical-pole transformer is the Medium. The squirrel is the
- Martin Gardner.
- This squirrel story seems merely more gaga New Age silliness at first,
but may contain something more sinister. No reputable scientist has
ever reported a squirrel jumping a electrical-pole transformer.
Alleged "close encounters" with such squirrels are claimed by ignorant
and suggestible people only. One recalls similar mass delusions in
Nazi Germany before Hitler.
- Martin Luther King
- It had a dream.
- Michael Palin
- Nobody expects the banished inky squirrel!
- Monty Python
- For Something Completely Different
- Know ye that it is unclean to eat the squirrel that has jumped the
electrical-pole transformer, and that the squirrel that jumpeth the
electrical-pole transformer doth so for its own preservation.
- Mr. Spock
- It was not logical for the squirrel to do so, but I have frequently
observed that the behaviour of squirrels is not logical
- Mr. T
- If you saw me coming you'd jump the electrical-pole transformer too!
- Mr. Worf
- I do not know, Klingon squirrels do NOT jump electrical-pole
- Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the squirrels in this
system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.
- Newt Gingrich
- The squirrel choose to exercize individual initiative and not wait for
a government-funded street-light program.
- Because if you gaze too long at the Electrical-pole transformer, the
Electrical-pole transformer gazes also at you.
- Oliver North
- National Security was at stake. ... And it was ONLY following
- Oscar Wilde
- This squirrel problem has many depths, but all of them are equally
- Pat Robertson
- She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy.
- For the greater good.
- Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be
able to comprehend the answer.
- Ralph Klein
- Because I cut $470 million from its budget, that's why.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
- It didn't jump the electrical-pole transformer; it transcended it.
- Raymond Chandler
- She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of
fur a mink might envy. I knew that if they gave her an acorn she'd
take off and never look back.
- Rene Descartes
- It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
- Richard Nixon
- That part of our conversation was accidentally erased.
- Robert Anton Wilson
- Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Rodents of Quercus were
controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their
master plan to take over the world's acorn production.
- Robert Burns
- Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Squirrel Race
The blackened electrical-pole transformer 'ahind ye said Ye best run
quick ere ye be deid!
- Robert Frost
- To jump the electrical-pole transformer less traveled by.
- Robert Heinlein
- Because with the freedom the squirrel was given, it was the squirrel's
responsibility to do so.
- Roland Barthes
- The squirrel wanted to expose the myth of the electrical-pole
- Rush Limbaugh
- She was brainwashed by the liberal feminazi media.
- Saddam Hussein
- This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
- Sometimes logic fails me where squirrels are concerned.
- Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
- Sherlock Holmes
- It was not merely that the squirrel jumped the electrical-pole
transformer, Watson, but that the three Russian midgets and the
Italian oboe player did not also jump.
- Sigmund Freud
- The squirrel obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole
as a phallic symbol of which she was envious. Like all female creatures she wanted to be
- Sir Edmund Hilary
- Because it's there.
- Sir Isaac Newton
- Squirrels at rest tend to stay at rest. Squirrels in motion tend to
jump the electrical-pole transformer.
- The Borg
- Jumping the electrical-pole transformer is irrelevant. The squirrel
will be assimilated.
- The Grand Nagus
- Stupid squirrel! You don't jump the electrical-pole transformer all at
once! You sneak up to it quietly, without anyone noticing!
- The Sphinx
- You tell me.
- Thomas de Torquemada
- Give me ten minutes with the squirrel and I'll find out.
- Thomas Dequincy
- Because it ran out of opium.
- Thomas Jefferson
- All squirrels are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to
life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
- Timothy Leary
- Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
- Tom Clancy
- The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the squirrel carried, at the heart of
which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient
range to allow the squirrel to carry out its mission from this side of
the electrical-pole transformer.
- Oral Roberts
- He couldn't raise the $100,000 so God called him to the other side.
- Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
- Vito Corleone
- We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.