- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
remember 300 screen saver passwords.
- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.
- When I.T. support sends you an Email with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.
- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
- When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We
love a puzzle.
- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "my thingy blew up".
- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
- When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
- When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited
on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have
any money to speak of anyway.
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T.
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
- When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T.
- When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support.
We love to hack.
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
- When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
- When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing 100,000 worth of
computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us
up no end.
- When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People
out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.
- When you bump into an I.T. person in Tesco's on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We do weekends.
- Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
- When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers
- We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to
express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed
herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
- Keep it crashing!