It is with a heavy heart that I pass on the following news:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died on Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Uncle Ben, Francesca Rinaldi, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who quote, "Never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he'd rise once again.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.