Favourite Author.

How does one define a favourite author. The number of books you have bought by them? The enjoyment you get out of reading them? Well in my case it is definately NOT the number of books as that author is firmly in my most hated writers, although he is good for those long boring train journeys where you dont want your brain to work too hard and the time to melt away. So, having though about this, my favourite authors are:

Iain M Banks : Favourite Novels: Consider Phlebas, Excession, Player of Games.
Douglass Adams: Hitchhiker novels apart from the last two.
Tolkien : He makes it basically because I have an expensive fuck-off leather bound set off his works so I must have rated him highly once.

Worst Authors.

There are many in this category:

First are any stories that start, 'I was...'. I hate books written from this viewpoint and have to this day only managed to read one that used this context.
Secondly, anything too damn fucking surreal for its own good.
Thirdly, anything that is written by some sad depressive who's life falls apart and decides s/he will write it all down and hope that they can depress other people who are idiotic enough to read that crap they write.
Fourthly, Romantic novels - Pass the Buckets Mrs Badcrumble!
Fifthly, Blace Lace novels! Ewwww! I'll wait until the video comes out.

Actual Authors, well Pratchett. I have a real problem with this sad old man. He used to be good, but run out of originality and funny lines many many years ago and no fucker has told him! I can't believe it. I wont defend this point of view, its a free country!

Books/Stories I write.

I've written many short stories and a couple of novels. There are some short extracts from the first three below - they are not works of literally genius, but then they were never intended to be.

Extract from 'Outrunners'

Outrunners, the last of the sci-fi novels, takes Captain Hamilton the very hassled leader of an assault squad on his final mission for the powers that be. Harrison first appeared in the first novel'And the Stars Blurred'.

'I have been briefed' replid Janet, 'Shall I set course?'
Hamilton nodded. A long silence followed.
'Janet?' he asked eventually.
'Oh hello again Captain'
'Have you set the course?'
'Of course, just as you asked.'
Hamilton rose to his feet, 'Why haven't we moved?' He knew what the reply was, but couldn't help himself asking.
'Oh, I'm sorry Captain, do you want me to engage the engines?'

Extracts from 'Finale of Naivete'

Finale of Naivete, the second novel is the story of two groups of people. The first the surviving crew of Earths Orbital that met a nasty end, and the second of the heros of the first book (Bustit, Redditch and Haggard) as they try to get back home.

1) They needn't have kept their titles, but Haggard still remained the Captain, Bustit was the Engineer and Redditch stayed as the First Officer. Bustit was easily the intelligent one, Redditch the brave one, the only job fit for Haggard, in any fair universe would have been toilet cleaner. To be fair, the ship was run like a co-operative, decisions although finally made by Haggard, were only done so after everyone agreed it was the best thing to do.

2) It is normal for Captains of the great galactic cruisers, craft many miles long and usually bristling with weaponry for most of that distance, in a situation like the one the station crew of Zeus One found themselves faced with, to shout things like. 'Engage Engines!', 'Arm Main Weapon Banks' and 'Shields to Maximum'. However, large space stations don't have propulsion units, it's main laser was as much use as a butter knife, and the shields were not going to be a great help.

3) A little bit of explanation is probably needed here. Snake had become fascinated by the names taken on by gangsters after a prolonged visit to Earth sometime ago. Seeing names like, Johnny 'the weasel', Joe 'the fish' etc., he had ordered his gang to choose likewise. Their only access to Earth, was via the somewhat unreliable data banks of the ICC, who unfortunately stored a rather warped view of human society. This was mainly due to their prime input, which was the broadcasts of daytime TV programs from the planet.So the gang choose, Reindeer, a large, wild horned animal, and Beaver, a creature with huge teeth that tears down trees, as their role models.

Extracts from 'And the Stars Blurred''

'And the Stars Blurred' was my first novel and the one I trucked around the publishing houses of the UK before getting a contract with one. The story is of Bustit, Haggard and Redditch as their boring lives as deep space transport crew suddenly become somewhat more interesting.

1) 'Double Entendre is a universal microbe which was thought to have been wiped out by medical science many years ago. The effects can have disastrous results not only for the infected. but for their close friends and relations. The disease travels the cosmos encased in asteroids or in particles of dust that float freely around. The planet Earth still has the disease, it arrived encased in a small meteor landing in the early 1950's at a place called Ealing. It's preferred breeding grounds are known to be the air conditioning ducts of office buildings.'

2) Some of his subtle approaches had varied from, 'Do you think mankind has any kind of future in the galactic community?', to 'Any good invasions starting soon?' and ending at, 'Heard anything about a hoard of Godless, hostile, alien freaks on their way to rape and pillage Earth?'

3) Earth has its 'A' for Alpha, 'W' for Whiskey and 'C' for Charlie. The Police, due to their Minister for Law having an insatiable interest in fruits and vegetables had, 'A' for Avocado, 'W' for Water Melon and 'C' for Carrot!