Issue 1, Winter 1998
In the dim and distant past of the mud, there was the original Den of Lies. This page, which contained totally unwarranted slander and abuse, was first produced by Daedelus and Link. Later, Cyn and Daed teamed up and soon after produced a very scandalous page which got a few players zapped and caused a major outcry on the mud.
Daed is sadly (gladly) no longer with us as a regular player/UT, and so, carrying on the tradition of the Den of Lies, Cyn has teamed up with Firefly to produce for you this scurrilous `Private Eye meets Terra' publication.
We take no responsibility for what is on these pages; we were forced to put them together at gunpoint by a bunch of vicious hegehogs.
Cyn & Firefly, your friendly editors
Creator shows off Emergency Brain Escape Route!
Aliens Exist! First Photographic Evidence!
|SHEEP IN PATERNITY CASE, LUCAS
Dolly the sheep might be in the headlines of the world, but your ever vigilant Times was at the main TF court today ,where Lucas, Lord of TerraFirmA, was fighting an attempt by the Sheep, who had named him as the father of her newly born offsping, to get him to pay maintenance. The so-called Lucas Love Lamb affair, reported widely by the press over the last two weeks, moved into its first day in court with the prosecutor submitting the tennis racket and wire cutters Lucas allegedly used to catch the Sheep. The defence dismissed the evidence saying it was a wollysmere campaign by the prosecutors and anyway Lucas had lent his tennis racket to Vardick some time ago.
|BLISS! MAN OR WOMAN?
Speculation has been rising over the true sex of Bliss after major rumours spread around the Mud that in fact she was not female. An eye witness located in York was asked to spot Bliss in the computer room; he replied 'But there are only men here tonight!'. Conclusive evidence? Maybe; maybe not. We asked our resident artist to draw what he thought Bliss actually looked like. We exclusively bring you the image below. Is Bliss really Tinky Winky?
FIREFLY WINS UNTOUCHABLE CLASSIC!
Firefly retained her title and the cup this weekend, after a nailbiting last round which took the championship right down to the last mortal! She won the title by one stroke, producing a round of 64, bettering the record held since 1997 by Cyn with 66. The former Classic champion who came in second with a round of 65, was reported to say `Oh Man!' when she lost. Firefly gets to keep the cup for a whole year, once someone can get it off Cyn!
FLEA WINS MONTHLY LEMMINGS AWARD!
Reading will never be the same again when Flea returns to University this week bringing with her the coveted `Lemming Award'. The award is given to players who helplesssly fling themselves into deathrooms. Flea was reported as saying: `But there were no dots in the exit description'. WELL DONE Flea, keep up the good work!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
Police are asking for your co-operation in their search for this man, who is rumoured to be in the vicinity of Terra. `If you see him', said a Hamelin Guard, `treat him as mostly harmless but annoying.'
TED GETS ALBION
After many tries, Ted finally retrieved the Albion Sword. Our congratulations to her for making it through the renowned and deadly forest swamp. When asked to comment Ted replied: `Albiiiiiiiiooooooonn baby!'
IN OTHER NEWS
ORINOCO LINKED TO CAKE THEFT!
Orinoco, the cutest and laziest womble in the burrow, was today formally changed with stealing Buttercup Muffins from the kitchens of Madame Cholet. Uncle Bulgaria was quoted as saying `In my young womble days this sort of thing would never have happened!'
ROBOCOP FOUND IN SHADES
Upstanding citizen Robocop is fighting to stop his reputation from lying in tatters after he was discovered in Brenda's Bedroom. Later Brenda was quoted as saying: `Robo is a good lover, especially after you plug him into the mains supply'.
The Pawnbroker was today facing aligations of price fixing. The cartel that is alleged to exist implicated the other storekeepers around the world. The TF Merchants Guild are denying that they inflate prices as more people move into the world.
NICK IN UNDIES SCANDAL!
Mild-mannered Nick was seen to be suggesting he liked to wear ladies' silk undies this weekend. `It was Cyn', he argued in response. When questioned Cyn replied: `Me? Now would I do that?'
YAZ STREAKS IN HAMELIN!
Cub, one of TF's newest Apps, shocked the Court today by removing all her clothes and running through the centre of Hamelin. Residents are being treated for shock.
The Times discovered these pictures in brown plain packaging addressed to `Readers Wives, Playboy Magazine'.
... STOP PRESS... STOP PRESS... STOP PRESS...
|VILLAGE PEOPLE EXCLUSIVE
Evidence has come to The Times that there was indeed a sixth member of the Village People. We took one look at the photo shown below and must agree. Cowboy Village person couldn't be contacted to confirm if this was in fact `Christian Village'.
LUCAS hits back at Sheep allegations!
The mild mannered Lord, freed just hours ago, defending his position in the Love Lamb Scandal. He has given photographic evidence to the judge proving that Vardick did indeed have his racket with the strings cut off. Vardick has gone into hiding as police search for this new suspect!
|EMILY ARRIVES AT TERRAMEET!
After much speculation, Emily arrives dressed up to the nines at the TF Meet.
Today will be mainly dry, with rainbows when Firefly is on, and storms depending on the PMT level of the female players.
Do you have problems? Why not write to Cyn and she can answer your questions!
I'm having a few problems with my sex life. In fact, the problem is I don't have a sex life? What should I do? - Lonely of York.
Get your sad life together or visit a prostitute.
I accidently let slip that I like wearing women's underwear. This wouldn't be so bad, but I'm male.... I'm quite new to TF and was wondering what long-term damage I may have done to my reputation on the game. Any advice? - (no name supplied).
You are a sad strange person ain't you? What size are you? Got any nice stuff?
Firefly's Character Assassinations & Prefictions for the Months Ahead
You like to get very very drunk at weekends and have deep conversations at three in the morning. When your can of cider refuses to talk to you any more you also log into the mud and sit in the Turfe Taverne dribbling. You wear crimplene. A whole new species of corn snack has evolved from the crisp crumbs in your keyboard.
You are either a student who got bored after the first term or a spoiled rich kid (possibly, but not necessarily, American) who got a computer for Christmas. You have fantasies about being tied to your bed and tickled with feathers by female Untouchables. Ottimo fancies you. Your worst deathroom experience will happen in April.
You are enthusiastic about power but not about responsibility; your main ambition is to start your own mud. When you eventually try this it will be crap. All the insect mobiles are plotting against you. Don't do Maze on a Wednesday after three.
You are in love with three members of the clave none of whom know. Your last real date was in 1975. Your favourite hobby is shouting out football scores on a Saturday afternoon and dropping HobNob crumbs into your keyboard. All the mobiles laugh at you behind your back.
You are a person with a strange prediliction for sitting inside by a computer on hot summer days. You will get up round about October to rub a layer of goose grease onto your body and sew yourself into some long underwear for the winter. June is your best month for mud sex; unfortunately you won't notice as you'll be too busy giving each of the lice from your hair their own username and password.
You secretly model your entire real-life on your mud life. You hope to get a new promotion by 2000; however, by then you'll have lost your net access by dropping out of college/work because you forgot to do any work. In tournaments, you always stand in the hospital waiting to bash people on the head.
You have at least four personalities in the mud; unfortunately, they all use the same character name. UT Geminis use tiptoe a lot to creep up on convos in the tavern to try to get gossip. Mortal Geminis just creep around being generally shifty. All Geminis should avoid questing on days with a Y in their name.
You were an irritating newbie who never listened to any advice or read any of the help files. Your favourite quest is any one involving seafood. In your most secret dreams, Luckyspin dances for you wearing only a small gingham apron and gold suspenders. You are obsessed with ASCII art. You will die in a water-related deathroom on a Tuesday.
You are probably a student who only came to university for the free net access. You will fail at least one course this year and have to resit it. Dios fancies you only out of pity. You'll make a fortune selling valuable stuff in March, but die horribly at the hands of a Grue two days later.
Your secret ambition is to mudmarry a member of the Court or high Clave as a quick route to power. This is a futile dream, however. If you are a Virgo who already has power, better start looking for a food taster. You are frequently stalked by large dangerous mobiles who are just biding their time. June will be a good month for starting a self-help group for socially-challenged Virgos.
What can I say? Even Shredder feels sorry for you and would let you win in a fight. Your sole skill is in running fast for a couple of valuable items right after a reset: once you've done this you let out a strange whistling sound and collapse. Despite rarely running properly, you spend a lot of time on the game and have forgotten how to interact socially in a physical environment. Remember to get dressed before leaving the house!
You like nothing better than slaughtering small furry animals: your favourite emotes are *cackle* and *egrin*. You are a natural goth and your description probably tends to black and purple. However in real life you are quite small and plump and look about as much like a beautiful and deadly vampire as a marshmallow. Watch out for aggressive bats in September.
Well, thats the end of the first edition of The Times. We will glady accept submissions, but they must be totally untrue, and of course, totally scandalous. Mudmail Cyn or Firefly with any interesting suggestions you might have.
Cyn & Firefly